CONTINUITY WEENIE: None. Post, run like hell. Insufficient flaming may lead to the production of a sequel.
Dharma Bum (dharmasbox@mail.com)
For expanded version of this story, check out Dharma's "Dogs in Clover". It's a Xena sitcom. We're not kidding.
It was a decent camp, as camps go. There was plenty of fallen deadwood around to feed the fire, and it was quiet, and the weather was mild, so Gabrielle thought at least it was a good ending to a pretty stupid day. She sat in front of the fire, moodily ruffling her still-damp hair, and not thinking about things. Xena was curled up in her blankets next to Eve, napping. Joxer had refused to camp out with them and insisted on staying in town, wandering away from the dock muttering something about insane women and conspiracies. Which was probably all for the best, because even though it was a pretty nice night Gabrielle was all tired and cranky from having drowned practically and she just didn't feel like dealing with anyone right now, least of all Joxer.
Something was bothering her. It had been bothering her ever since she woke up on the dock, and it was making her so irritable that even Xena had been giving her a wide berth since then. It was making her feel unsettled and faintly nauseous, and she thought it probably had something to do with swallowing all that nasty sea-water, and the harbor wasn't exactly what you would call "clean", either. She ran a hand through her hair in frustration, and something caught and tugged, and she yelped in surprise. Disentangling herself, she studied her hand and the few strands of hair caught about the setting in the ring, and...
The ring. "Heck," Gabrielle said aloud.
It was the ring from the dream, and here she was awake, and there it was on her hand with bits of her hair caught in it. "Heck," she said again, and tried to pull it off. It wouldn't budge.
Okay. She paused for a moment before hauling on it again. Something about it was making her really uneasy. Besides the fact that she had dreamed it and it turned out to be real. Besides the fact that the darn thing wouldn't come off. Besides the fact that it was a wedding ring. Besides the fact that it was just going to get in the way and everything if she couldn't get it off. Besides the fact that...
Oh... heck.
"Aphrodite." Gabrielle said aloud. "Okay. Very funny. Joke's over."
She waited for 'Dite to appear with that silly smirk she always had when she put one over on some poor fool mortal, but 'Dite didn't appear and the ring didn't come off, and now Gabrielle was remembering a little more about the circumstances under which she had put it on and she was getting a little tense. "Aphrodite!" she called, a little louder.
Eve started crying, and Xena shook herself awake. "Oh, for pity's sake, Gabrielle, now look what you've done. You woke the baby up."
"Sorry. AphroDITE!!"
"I suppose there's a reason you keep yelling that."
"No," said Gabrielle very quickly, and folded her hands innocently in her lap, the one wearing the ring coincidentally underneath the other. "No reason."
Xena yawned and gathered Eve up in her arms. "Hush, sweetie...I wouldn't think you'd want to see her, after the silly bitch almost killed you."
"It was an accident," Gabrielle said, and added a little more loudly for the benefit of anybody who might be listening, "and she's not a silly bitch, not really, you shouldn't call her that. In fact," she said, even more loudly, "I always thought she was a really nice person."
Xena jiggled Eve, who had subsided into cranky gurgles, and eyed Gabrielle suspiciously. "No, you don't. You always call her things like the Goddess of Bimbo."
"With respect. Always in a really respectful tone."
"And the Olympic Flotation Device."
"In an affectionate way. It's like a NICKNAME."
"Don't shout, Gabrielle. Honestly, you sound more and more like Joxer every day."
Gabrielle sprang to her feet in what she told herself wasn't panic. "I'm going to go for a, uh, walk, so you can take care of Eve and things." She turned around and plowed through the trees in as straight a line as she could manage until she felt she was far enough away from the camp that she could stand still and look at the sky and shriek "APHRODITE!!" at the top of her lungs.
The goddess shimmered into view, and sure enough she had that darn smirk on her face. "Chill out, girlfriend."
Gabrielle frantically waved the offending hand, and its offending ornament, in the goddess' face. "Look. Just look at this."
"Oooh. Nice rock. Congratulations!" Aphrodite produced some small squat black tube which she put over one eye for a moment and studied the ring through it. This was totally inexplicable. "Real, too. Who gave it to you?"
"You know darn well who gave it to me," Gabrielle hissed. "Now get rid of it."
"Sorry, honey, but I don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about."
Gabrielle took a deep breath, and recast what she had been about to say in smaller Aphrodite-size words. "I got this in the dream I had when you knocked me in the water, and I want you to get rid of it for me."
"I did have a lot of my extra-special zaps flying around, didn't I?" The goddess took the small black thing away from her eye and tossed it back over her shoulder, whereupon it disappeared. "I suppose one of 'em could've created a wedding ring by accident. Who was the lucky guy, anyhow?"
"That's not important."
"Oh, yes it is, cause if you don't spill I don't help."
Taking another deep breath and trying not to lose her patience, Gabrielle said, "It was a merman. I dreamed I got married to this merman."
"Ooh!" Aphrodite squealed in delight and clapped her hands together. "Ooh, this is so cool! What was he like? Tell me!"
"He was a merman. He was a fish, okay? What's to tell?"
"You're not spilling, I'm not helping," Aphrodite chanted in a very annoying sing-song. "Was he cute?"
"No, he wasn't cute," said Gabrielle, losing her patience and forgetting that when she lost her patience she had a tendency to say more than she should, "as a matter of fact he looked exactly like Joxer."
"Oh," said Aphrodite. "Oh," she repeated, surprisingly nonchalantly. "Well, I can't help you there, honey."
Very calmly Gabrielle explained, "You don't understand. Okay. See, I can't go around wearing a wedding ring, because I'm not married."
"You are now."
"And it looks stupid, because if I get in a fight there I am wearing this big stupid wedding ring and everybody will laugh, and what do you mean, I am now?"
"Your mind decided to marry you to klutz-boy, gosh knows why, so it went ahead and did it, and it used my magic to create the ring, which means you got married in my name and it's all official and I can't undo it."
Very very calmly Gabrielle explained, "I am... not... married... to... Hagar."
"You're not. He's just a symbol. You're married to Joxer. You probably oughta tell him sometime, too." Aphrodite raised her hand, preparing to snap her fingers, and Gabrielle said, no longer calmly, "Wait! Don't go!"
"Sorry, girlfriend. Things to do. Twilight of the gods, y'know? I'll be around later. Just call me." The goddess smiled sweetly. "You know... 'Goddess of Bimbo'? 'Olympic Flotation Device'?" Her smile grew even sweeter, and she shimmered and was gone.
Gabrielle sat down on a tree stump, and hid her face in her hands, and said softly and with real emotion, "Oh... shit."
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