Fillippa gets credit for providing the lyrics, I get blame for mangling them. A little public humiliation is good for the soul. Right. I'll just keep telling myself that.

Dharma Bum
10/99
 

"Reflections"
By Christina Aguilera(from the Disney movie Mulan)
GJRS Lyrics Challenge
 

Look at me
You may think you see
who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool
my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to
hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must
Be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

At some point between the time they left the lake in the afternoon and the time they made camp in the evening, Gabrielle developed a serious dislike for Amarice. She was tired of the girl's constantly and loudly expressed opinions, she was tired of being matched against the young Amazon's concept of how a warrior should act, she was tired of her continual chatter, and most of all, she was tired, absolutely sick and tired, of being judged and found wanting by someone young enough to be her... niece. And after what had happened at the lake, well -- well, that was just the last straw.

Her responses became shorter and sharper, and she sent Amarice away for wood and water and no reason at all, and she pointedly shook out her bedroll on the opposite side of the fire from the girl's, glaring at her over the flames. Amarice sulked. Xena sent her away for still more wood, turned to Gabrielle and said, "Okay, what's wrong?"

"Her. Her and her judging people. What does she know about me? What right does she have to criticize?"

"Well, you haven't exactly been the most stable person since she's known you."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" There were little rocks and twigs all over the ground, right underneath her blanket. Whose stupid idea was it to put rocks on the ground? Gabrielle felt annoyed.

"She thinks you've changed."

"I haven't."

"From her point of view you've continually changed," Xena said reasonably. "You've been alive, dead, a pacifist, a fighter, and let us not forget a grouch." Gabrielle gave her a venomous glare. "She really doesn't know who you are."

"Sometimes I don't think anyone around here knows who I am."

"Amarice is young, and inexperienced, and she thinks externals are everything. She'll get over it in twenty or thirty years."

"Hah. Hilarious. What do I do in the meantime?"

"Well, you start by not getting worked up about it."

"It was a simple question. It was a simple, legitimate question, and then I have to listen to her carry on all afternoon about what a real warrior should be doing in that situation..."

"You asked for her opinion."

This was true, which made it extremely infuriating. "It was a rhetorical question. I was thinking out loud. You know I do that a lot."

"I know it, and Joxer knows it, but Amarice doesn't. She thought you were serious."

"I *was* serious."

"Well, it's no wonder, then."

Gabrielle stood back up. "She's criticizing me, and you're laughing at me."

"Oh, I am not."

"I am not somebody for you to laugh at, and I am not somebody for Amarice to criticize, and I am not any of those things you said I was. I'm me is all. I haven't changed, darn it. I just want to be myself and not have to hide anymore, is that too much to ask?"

"Gabrielle. Honestly. I am not laughing at you, I just think you're taking the matter far too seriously."

"Something like this, something this important to me, this vital, and you can accuse me of taking it 'too seriously'? Fine. Great." Gabrielle turned and stalked off away from the fire, not turning around to look at Xena because she had a bad feeling that Xena was smirking.

She didn't need smirking. What she needed right now was moral support. No -- better yet, unconditional surrender. She pushed her way back through the trees to the smaller fire.

This too was that wretched girl's fault. Gabrielle and Xena and Joxer were perfectly comfortable around each other, but out of deference to Amarice's sensibilities he was sleeping apart from the rest of them. Or maybe he had some other reason. Joxer could be unfathomable at times. Gabrielle had always felt that he saw either much less or much more than he let on, and after those couple of exploding oil flasks he'd dropped on her over the past few days she was definitely suspecting the latter.

He looked up from the fire curiously at her approach. "Gabrielle."

"Hey. Mind if I sit down?"

"Not at all." He scooted over and made room for her to squat down. "'Sup?"

"I need to run something by you."

"About Amarice, huh?"

"Oh. You heard."

"Nothing specific. All I know is after we left the lake you aren't talking to her all of a sudden. What happened, anyway? Why are you mad at Amarice?"

"I'm not mad at Amarice, I'm mad at everybody. Not you," she said quickly before he could start to panic, "I'm just mad... not even mad, frustrated I guess, by the way everyone keeps looking at me. Like they're seeing someone else. Like I've changed so much that no one recognizes me any more."

"You haven't changed. Not really, not the way you are at heart."

"Do you really think so?"

"You just look like you changed."

"Oh, that's a help," Gabrielle said, exasperated.

"What does it matter, what people think?"

"Because I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of acting the way people think I should, or the way people tell me to, and I'm tired of what people think getting in the way of what needs to be done. And when I need to make a decision about something this important and then Amarice thinks *she* can tell me what I should be doing, I just snap. All this..." she waved a hand, trying to find the exact word that would precisely describe everything that had happened in the last few months... "stuff, this was all because I was being what everyone else wanted me to be, hiding all the time, and it got so I didn't even know who I was any more."

"Hmph." He pulled his knees to his chest and folded his arms atop them, regarding her levelly. "But you still were the same, underneath. Xena knew. I knew. Why didn't you?"

"Because I had to wear so many different masks, for so many different people, that it got so that when I looked in the mirror all I saw was a stranger. And I didn't like living that way, and I'm not going to any more. I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time, and it makes me crazy when Amarice or anybody acts like they want me to."

He shrugged slightly. "Well, Amarice is young yet."

"Not you, too. It's got nothing to do with being young. It's so obvious. How can she, how can Xena, anyone, not see how important this is? Who do they think I am, anyway?" She thought about it and almost didn't ask, but then went ahead. "Who do you see when you look at me?" This was getting into dangerous waters, but she wanted to know.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean just that. Who do you see? Eli looked at me and saw a saint. Amarice looks at me and sees an Amazon. Even Xena sometimes, she looks at me and she sees an innocent farm girl and she knows that's not me, not any more, but she still sees that. None of that's me. Who do you see, Joxer?"

He blinked. "I see you, I guess. I see Gabrielle." There was a silence that lasted long enough to become awkward, and he finally said, "That was the wrong answer, huh?"

"No. No, that was the right answer." Gabrielle picked up a bit of kindling and stabbed at the suddenly offensive coals. "Why can't anyone else see me?"

"But they do." The look she gave him must have spooked him, because he quickly tried to explain. "You said all those things aren't you, but they are. They're all parts of you, they're just not ... not the whole of you."

"That's it. That's it exactly." Everything fell into place, and Gabrielle dropped the stick. "I knew *you* would understand!"

He ducked his head away nervously, looking both pleased with himself and embarrassed. "Of course I do."

"That's exactly what I want, I want people to look at me and see the whole of who I am, and not have to pretend I'm someone else."

"You shouldn't have to."

"I knew you would see how important this is to me, and not belittle it."

"I would never."

"And I knew that you would agree with me."

"Always."

"So you think I should cut my hair."

There was another silence. "What?"

"You agree with me, then. I was studying my reflection in the lake and thinking how my hair is hiding too much of my face, and I should trim the bangs back because it's more practical, and reveals more."

"This whole thing, this, this with being mad at Amarice, and about being taken seriously, and about getting people to see who you really are... this is about your hair?"

"I said, 'I think I should cut my hair', and Amarice starts going on about how a Real Warrior wouldn't be concerned with something like how her hair looks, and I got mad because that's just it, it's like you said, I'm not Amarice's concept of a Real Warrior, I'm much more than that, and for her to have the gall to criticize me... Joxer."

When he didn't answer, she said again in the command tone that Xena used to bring him to heel, "Joxer."

And a third time. "Joxer, what are you doing?"

A few minutes after he had finally collapsed to the ground, gasping weakly for breath but still unable to stop laughing, she realized she wasn't going to get a response. With an exasperated sigh she stood up and went back to the main camp.

And there Xena was, and sure as heck, she was smirking. "What was that all about?"

"We were having a conversation." Gabrielle flung herself down on her bedroll, grateful for the continued absence of Amarice, and avoided Xena's gaze.

"Must have been some conversation. I could hear it from here. Well, some of it anyway."

Gabrielle scowled. "What did you hear?" She looked at Xena, who seemed both thoughtful and amused.

"I think," Xena said, her head tilted to one side as if she could still hear Joxer's laughter, which maybe she could, "I believe I heard him saying, 'Don't ever change, Gabrielle'. At least, that was the gist of it."

"I haven't changed," said Gabrielle, feeling as if the entire universe was lined up against her this night. "I can't change. I can't be anyone else than who I am. That's the entire *point*."

Xena smiled, a real smile, not a smirk. "Welcome back, Gabrielle."

"I didn't go anywhere."

"Not anymore."