GJRS Lyrics Challenge, 12/99
TRIUMPHANT CACKLE: Ha ha, Kawcrow thought she'd defeated me with these nasty depressing lyrics. Little did she know I've just been looking for an excuse to do some good stupid smarm and get it off my chest! Bwahahaha!
TRIUMPHANT CACKLE, THE RETRACTION: But of course I don't do smarm well, so I guess Kawcrow wins anyway.
CONTINUITY WEENIE: Also defeated. This doesn't fit anywhere. There are references to Xena's baby in it, but it's not clear if it's before or after the baby is born, or even after the baby is walking around and demanding Pokemon cards. Just ignore the continuity entirely in this one. I obviously did.
THE DISCLAIMERS: Not my characters, theirs, not my money, theirs. Too long. Too tendentious. Too much of a downer all around. Happy frickin holidays.
Dharma Bum (dharmasbox@mail.com)
SMOKE RINGS IN THE DARK
(Gary Allan)
CD: Smoke Rings in the Dark
Well, I won't make you tell me
What I've come to understand
You're a certain kind of woman
I'm a different kind of man
I've tried to make you love me
You've tried to find a spark
Of a flame that burned
But somehow turned
To smoke rings in the dark
The loneliness within me
Takes a heavy toll
Cause it burns as slow as whiskey
Through an empty aching soul
And the night is like a dagger
Long and cold and sharp
As I sit here on the front steps
Blowing smoke rings in the dark
I know I must be going
Cause love's already gone
And all I'm taking with me
Are the pieces of my heart
And all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark
The rain falls where it wants to
The wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we're standing still
So I'm not gonna wake you
I'll go easy on your heart
I'll just touch your face
And drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark
I know I must be going
Cause love's already gone
And all I'm taking with me
Are the pieces of my heart
And all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark
He was lying down. Okay. How did that happen? He tried to get up, and it didn't work because he didn't really know what he had done. Must have fallen over something, how embarrassing, because that was usually what had happened just before he found himself lying down and not really knowing what he had done. He tried to get up again, and tried to remember. He probably couldn't manage both, but he could manage one.
This time it was the getting up. Joxer rolled to his knees and brushed himself off, then got shakily to his feet. He was out in the middle of the street, for pet's sake, this was really embarrassing, and he tried to pull himself up and look like a man who often lay down in the middle of the street for secret and very important reasons of his own. "I meant to do that," he assured everyone.
Everyone wasn't listening, though. In fact, everyone was just walking right on by him and it looked like no one was listening at all. Maybe... maybe no one had even noticed this time. Lucky. He straightened up a little and walked across the road.
Yeah, lucky break. Although something was bothering him a little. It bothered him that he couldn't remember falling down, for starters. Well, he could if he wanted to probably, but something told him he didn't want to and shouldn't push it. He'd learned to listen to the something. It usually was right.
So he left the memories alone for the time being and wondered about what else was bothering him. Where were the girls? That was it, he had been here with Xena and Gabby, he remembered that from before the part with the falling down. He looked up and down the street curiously. Where had they gone?
He couldn't be that lucky, that they hadn't seen him fall either. No, probably they'd gone off and left him there because they did that a lot and seemed to think it was funny. Girl thing. Well, he'd set them straight. Just as soon as he found them. He looked up and down the street for a tavern, an inn, a market stall, some place where they might have gone; but while he was doing this, his feet took him down an alleyway to where a small run-down house barely stood on a rubble-strewn lot.
Ridiculous. Joxer blinked. They wouldn't be here, they weren't even going to stay in town because they didn't have any coin among the three of them, they were going to camp outside in the forest tonight and wasn't that Argo tied up out in front of the house there?
It was Argo. Joxer was beginning to think he probably should try to remember what had been going on because he was getting way confused. What was Xena doing in there, anyway? Why wouldn't she be on her way out of town? As he watched, Gabrielle came around from behind the house, carrying a waterskin.
"Gabrielle!" he called. "There you are!"
She went inside and did not say anything.
"All right," Joxer said after a minute. "All right, be like that." Apparently whatever he'd done had really ticked her off. He approached the house, wondering if it was his fault and he should be apologetic, or if it hadn't been his fault and he should be righteously annoyed that she would ignore him like that. Annoyed sounded good -- and then Xena came out the door, almost bumping into him, and he sprang back and instantly changed his mind. You didn't do annoyed with Xena. Not ever.
"Ah, Xena," he said, apologetic as heck, "uh, hi."
She didn't talk to him either. Instead she started rummaging through Argo's saddlebags and pulling things out, some of her medicine-pouches and whatnot. "Um, you want me to carry those for you?" he asked. She didn't answer, and turned back to go into the house.
It was like he wasn't there at all. Boy, whatever he'd done he must have really blown it. No wonder he didn't want to remember. Gabrielle appeared in the doorway before Xena stepped through it, and she looked upset. "Xena..."
"Gabby?" He forgot and used the nickname, because she seemed so upset it really worried him. "What's wrong?" Gabrielle didn't answer. In fact, she didn't even look at him.
"I'm coming, Gabrielle," Xena said. "Give me a minute."
"What happened?" he asked. Xena looked a little tense too, and if Xena was visibly tense then whatever it was had to be pretty bad. "What's going on?" Xena didn't answer. In fact, she didn't even look at him.
Gabrielle stepped aside and let Xena pass through the doorway. "I don't know what to do. I..."
"Can I help?" he asked. Neither of them answered him, or looked at him, or anything.
"It's all right," Xena said to Gabrielle. She went inside and Gabrielle followed her. Joxer stood nervously, trying to figure out the situation. If it was this bad, he might get in the way and get yelled at if he tried to help, but if it was this bad he had to at least try. After another moment's indecision, or two or three, he stepped through the doorway and into the dimly lit interior.
The house had obviously been abandoned for quite some time. There was no more than a splintered remnant of a door hanging on the frame, and everything inside was covered with dust. Some old furniture, too rickety for anyone to bother salvaging, in the single room, and a fireplace filled with ashes. That was it. Gabby was standing in the middle of the room, her hands clasped nervously on the back of a chair. Xena sat in another chair, and though their backs were to him and blocking most of the view, he could just make out a pile of their best blankets and pelts draped over the remains of a bedframe. Gabby was watching Xena, who was doing something that had to do with that bed, and whatever Xena was fussing over was the thing that was making her, the both of them, so upset.
He had a strong feeling he didn't want to see what it was, but this time he ignored the feeling because somehow he knew he had to find out. As he moved closer, his chest and his gut tightened, aching as if a hundred horses had run over him, and he couldn't seem to breathe.
"Xena," Gabby said and her voice all tiny and scared.
"I don't know." Xena bit her lip and shook her head slightly. "I just don't know."
He took another step, and another, until he was standing right behind them. He took a deep breath and looked over Gabby's shoulder. There was someone lying in the bed, banged up pretty badly, bloody and bruised, and he staggered backwards, feeling as if he was going to be sick. He turned away from them and fought to control his stomach, trying to calm himself. He'd seen much worse, seen bodies torn to bits practically, without getting sick like a girl at the thought of it, this one wasn't that bad and it was still alive too. It wasn't so bad, he told himself. He'd seen worse before. It wasn't so bad.
Of course, all those other times it hadn't been his own body lying there.
For safety's sake Joxer decided to sit down for a while and put his head between his knees, not that he was going to faint or anything silly like that, but just to be safe. He wrapped his arms around his knees, only half-listening to Xena and Gabrielle talk in low, unhappy voices.
Now he remembered what he had been avoiding thinking about. That idiot in the chariot, going way too fast through the center of town. And that little girl might have gotten out of the way in time, sure, but it was hard to tell. Might have been okay. But no, he had to go and put his stupid foot in it.
"Stupid," Gabrielle was saying. "The whole thing's just stupid." She sounded pretty mad. "I mean, it was just... unnecessary."
"Hush," Xena said.
"Horses won't step on anything in their way. Not if they can help it. They would have stopped, or gone around, and everything would have been fine."
"Easy."
"But no, he's got to go and get in the way, and make all that racket with that thing clattering around, no wonder they spooked. I've told him to get rid of it." She was almost shouting now. "How many times have I told him?"
Xena turned to her, reaching out a hand. "Gabrielle..."
Gabby refused it, pulling away and turning her back on Xena, and him, and his body in the bed. "I need some air. I'm going for a walk." She stalked out of the room in long, stiff, angry strides. He'd never seen her so mad, and was kind of glad she couldn't see him.
Xena sighed. He was glad Xena couldn't see him, too. Oh, man, was he glad. She turned back to the bed and he winced on behalf of his poor defenseless body, and what she was probably going to do to it for making Gabby get in a state.
"Don't mind her," Xena said, "she's upset."
"I know," he said automatically, and did a double-take. It took him a moment to realize she wasn't talking to him, but to his body. Curious despite himself, he got up and inched closer.
"Gods know you gave her reason," Xena said. She was washing out a really nasty-looking gash on his temple, where he must have gotten belted by a hoof or a wheel or something, he couldn't remember what it was but it had gotten him pretty good. In fact, from what he could see it had gotten him pretty good all over. Gabrielle was right, that had been way stupid. Xena took his face in her hands, which looked like it probably would have hurt a lot, and turned it slightly toward her. He leaned over her shoulder, not sure what she was up to. She pulled back his eyelids with her thumbs. "Joxer, are you in there?" she asked.
"No," he said.
"I just have the feeling--" She frowned, then shook her head slightly and took her hands away. His eyes fell half-closed and he had an urge to reach over and shut them himself, but something told him it would be a mistake. "You wouldn't do that," Xena said in a tone that suggested she didn't quite believe it. "You wouldn't run out on us like that."
He felt vaguely defensive. "I'm not running out," he said.
"I'll go talk to Gabrielle," Xena said. "Don't you worry. Everything'll be fine." There was something odd about her tone and it made him uneasy, and he looked away as she pulled a blanket up over him. Not all the way over his face, he noted with some relief, just up to his chin. No, he didn't like the tone of her voice, and he didn't like the set of her shoulders as she got up and left. He had a feeling he was in trouble after all. But how much, and for what... Xena stopped at the doorway and looked over her shoulder at him, her expression unreadable. Of course, he was never any good at reading Xena's expressions, which got him into a lot of trouble, generally speaking.
"Aw, c'mon," he said weakly.
She shook her head slightly again, and left the room.
Joxer now found himself in the interesting position of being alone with himself. Fortunately he was lying still and not sitting up and talking back to himself, which would really have been too weird to handle. Just looking at himself was only a little weird and he could deal with it. Maybe. He sat in a chair and watched himself.
Okay, so this was weirder than he thought. He really didn't like the look of him. A few more of those things he didn't want to think about were pushing their way to the front of his mind, and he forced them back. He did look pretty awful. Without thinking, he reached a hand out to his own face--
--and a sudden burning flare of pain hit him before he completed the gesture, as if he'd been about to put his hand in a fire. Except the fire was in his chest, and his belly, and his head, all over the place, and he snatched his hand back in a panic, and the pain went away. He sat still for a few moments, panting. Okay. Look. Don't touch.
Which brought up an interesting problem. Exactly how was he going to get back in there? Not that it seemed to be a good idea at this point. But he'd have to do it sooner or later, he couldn't just leave himself there to rot. Or...
The enormity of it hit him all at once. He wasn't in there any more. He was out here. He was wandering around without a body like someone on the other side, like someone... dead. Except he wasn't on the other side, he was still on this one. So he wasn't dead. Right? Because if he was dead he'd be over there and not here, but on the other hand if he were alive he'd be in his body where he belonged and not wandering all over without it, but on the other hand his body seemed to be alive because it was breathing and stuff and Xena hadn't taken it out and burned it or anything, so what if it was his body that was alive and him that was dead and... His head hurt. Well, not his real head, not the one on his body, except from the looks of it that one probably hurt too... His head hurt more. He slumped forward, face in his hands, and tried to think.
Focus. That's what Xena always said. Focus. What was the most important thing to do right now? The most important thing... He ran over the events of the past few... however long it had been, and decided the most important thing was to make sure Xena wasn't mad. Because if Xena was mad, then he was in trouble, dead or alive or whatever. She knew gods and stuff. She'd been one of those angel things, that was practically a god. She could get him no matter where he was if he pissed her off enough, and he'd probably already pissed her off getting run over and everything, interrupting her travel plans and all. Yes. Joxer stood up. He'd go find Xena and see if she was mad (and he wouldn't have to sit here looking at himself anymore, which truth be told was really starting to creep him out) and once he was sure she wasn't mad, then... well, he'd think of something. First things first.
He went outside. Argo stood obediently still in front of the house, swishing her tail, waiting to be unsaddled and let loose. Joxer frowned -- it wasn't like Xena to go off and forget to take care of Argo. He hoped she wasn't getting sick or something. Argo pricked her ears and swiveled her head towards him, as if she could see him.
Joxer had already been stepped on by two horses today and didn't really feel like repeating the experience, body or no body. He held up his hands and backed away. "I'll get Xena," he said.
This seemed to satisfy the mare, because she flicked an ear sideways and turned away, no longer interested.
He walked around back, looking for a shed or a stable or something where Xena might have gone. He found an overgrown garden, and a well, and Gabrielle was leaning on the end of the well, and Xena was standing there with her.
Ooookay. He hadn't particularly wanted to run across Gabrielle again so soon. Unlike with Xena, he was pretty good at telling when Gabrielle was really mad, and pretty good at predicting the duration of same. Judging from how she'd left, he'd be smartest to stay away from her for at least a day now -- but there was still Xena to deal with... He tiptoed closer, noticing irrelevantly that his armor didn't make any noise like Gabrielle was always complaining about when he wasn't in his body, and wondering where his real armor was, and why if his body wasn't wearing it he still was... He almost wound up walking straight into Xena before he snapped back to attention and quickly backed off. That was close.
Apparently it was the middle of the conversation, or perhaps it hadn't really started yet, because there was one of those silences Xena and Gabby used with each other when they were talking about serious stuff. After a bit Gabby said into the well, "What kind of stupid village doesn't even have a stupid healer?"
"They said they'd send for one. It'll take a day or two."
"Gods, we'll be stuck here for like a week now."
Xena said quietly, in that maternal fashion that Joxer knew Gabrielle hated, "Gabrielle, I think you'd better go inside."
"No."
"Gabrielle--"
"Don't get so damn melodramatic, Xena. He'll be fine."
"I think--" Xena started to say and then stopped, picking her words carefully one by one like taking only the ripe apples from a tree. "There is something I don't like about his aura, and I really think you should go inside."
"He only had a couple of horses run over him, stuff like that happens to him all the time."
"It does not," said Joxer, annoyed. "I don't go near horses." He'd always said they were dangerous brutes. See? He'd been right all along.
"Gabrielle." Xena's tone was too gentle, not like her at all. "Head injuries are a tricky thing. A lot of the time people's souls will flee their bodies, and even though the breath is still in them..."
"Well, that would be just like him, to go and fall out of his own body, wouldn't it?"
This was true. It was just like him. How clumsy could he get? Joxer slumped miserably, and almost failed to catch the meaning of what Xena said next.
"He's just... not there any more, Gabrielle. He's not fighting. He won't last long."
Wait a minute. Joxer stood up straight, everything else forgotten. That's not so, he wanted to say. That's not the way it is, not really, you don't understand... "No way," he squeaked.
"No way," Gabrielle said firmly. "That's not Joxer. He wouldn't roll over and give up like that."
"I'm not," Joxer said. That was exactly what Xena had said back inside, and it was so not true. He wasn't giving up, he just... The things he didn't want to think about started clamoring for attention again, and he furiously told them to shut up and leave him alone. He was trying to listen to Xena.
"Gabrielle, please," she was saying. "Don't do this to yourself."
"Don't do what? I'm not doing anything, Xena." Gabrielle's voice was getting louder and angrier, and he found himself instinctively dancing backward a bit in anticipation of a smack. "I'm not the one getting run over in the street like a dog, I'm not the one ready to lie down and die just because of a stupid bump or two, I'm not the one with the nerve, the nerve," Gabrielle said, "to stand there and lecture me about running off and dying on him, and then go and do the exact same thing himself, the nerve of that man. I hate him, I really do. Rotten bastard," she said, and she started to cry. Xena put an arm around her shoulders, and Gabrielle jerked away. "Don't touch me," she said. She sat down on the bench beside the well and slumped over and cried horribly, and Joxer was beside himself with anxiety and pain. Xena looked at her with that immense tenderness that she only showed to Gabrielle, and then turned and walked back to the house.
"Xena!" Joxer cried, close to panic. "Xena, wait!" Xena shouldn't leave. Xena should stay here and make Gabrielle not cry, but she couldn't hear him and she was going inside and Gabrielle was still crying. Over what? Over him?
Impossible. She was just all upset and mad, that was all. "Gabrielle, don't cry," he said inanely. "Everything's okay." She was sobbing so hard she started choking and coughing, and he thumped her on the back a couple of times to no effect at all. "Gabrielle, please, get a hold of yourself."
"Coward," she choked out between sobs, and even though he knew she wasn't talking to him, not really, the words stabbed like knives. "Stupid, clumsy, cowardly..."
"It's not like that," he said. "It's not like that at all, you don't understand." He seemed to be saying this a lot more than usual, and it seemed to be having a lot less of an effect. Of course, she couldn't hear him; but he could hear her sobs all too well, and there was no way he wasn't gonna at least try to stop her. "Gabrielle. Gabby. Please. Don't cry." He was remembering now, remembering why leaving his body had seemed like such a good idea in the first place, and he hadn't really thought it would upset anyone. Not this much, anyway. She seemed to really want him to go back, but...
"I don't want to," he said suddenly. The words came tumbling out of him all at once. "It hurts in there, and it's cold and it's scary. I couldn't breathe, it was like there was no air in there and it was like I was drowning, except it never stopped. You're not being fair at all. You're not even trying to understand." He walked away from her, frustrated, the sounds of her sobs like lashes across his back. "I don't want to go back." He turned around and fell on his knees before her, desperately trying to make her understand. "Gabby. Gabby, don't cry," he said miserably. "Please." She remained hunched over and sobbing, raw horrible sounds like an animal in pain, and he tried to wipe her tears away to no avail.
"This is stupid," he said aloud. "Not you, I mean, me. You're right, it was totally stupid, and I'm tired of being stupid all the time, and nothing ever gets any better. Listen." She kept crying. "You're not listening to me," he said, frustrated, even though he knew she couldn't hear him and he knew it was silly to protest. "You don't, no one ever does listen to me, it's like I'm, I'm all smoke and I'm not even there, everything I do or say drifts away in the dark and it doesn't matter. So I thought, y'see, I thought since it was like that anyway no one would mind."
No one would, not really, and she'd stop being upset once she realized that. "Come on," he said gently. "It'll be okay. It'll be much better this way. You'll see. You'll be a lot happier without me around bothering you. I mean, I know you try to be nice and everything, but..." But it wasn't working. At least, that was what he feared sometimes, lying awake at night and staring into the dark, sometimes for hours. It wasn't working, and some nasty little twisted thing way down deep in his mind hissed at him: And it never will. "I'll go easy on your heart, okay? I'll just leave. You'll be happier, Xena will be happier, it'll be better for everybody. Aw, please, Gabby."
That's what he had thought. It had just seemed like the best thing at the time. It wasn't that he was running away, he hadn't gone out of his way to do it or anything, but it had just seemed like such a good opportunity. He'd made a decision. Firm and final, and he always had trouble making decisions but he'd made this one and it had been a good one, too. He'd had it all figured out. Gabby would be happier, Xena would, they'd both be.
And he'd be safe.
Wasn't it clear now? Wasn't it so, that the future was all full of frightening things like it had never been before? He wasn't afraid of dying, not really. He was afraid of Gabby dying again, and Xena, too. He was afraid of being left alone. He was afraid of Xena telling him to shove off because he was becoming too much of a burden now with the baby and everything. He was afraid of Gabby telling him -- he was afraid of Gabby finally telling him what she thought about him, because he was so afraid it couldn't be good, and what would he do then? Why did she want him to go back and wake up there, with everything hurting and people mad at him and nothing except this scary stuff to look forward to? Why couldn't she understand?
But it wasn't working out the way he'd planned. She was crying, and Xena was acting weird, and he really didn't know what to do now that there were two of him. He'd always had enough problems just dealing with one.
He stood up and awkwardly backed away a little. Gabrielle was still crying, but more softly and more wearily. Maybe... maybe she was getting over it. Yeah. Maybe she was going to be all right. Maybe... He tried not to think that she sounded just... hopeless now. If Xena came and talked some sense into her, then maybe she'd be all right. Maybe...
He tiptoed around her, unable to take his eyes off her for a few more moments, just to make sure she wasn't going to get all angry and upset again. He had to get Xena. He didn't know how, but he had to get Xena. If Xena came and hugged Gabby and talked to her, she would be okay. He was sure of it.
He went back around the front of the building and cautiously crept inside. You never could tell with Xena. Maybe she'd suddenly be able to see him -- Xena was always doing surprising things that no one should be able to do. Maybe she'd been able to see him all along, and was just waiting to get him alone so she could punish him properly.
But Xena didn't seem to see him, or hear him, or know he was there. She was sitting by the bed and did not react as he walked up beside her. He glanced at his body, just to make sure it was still there, and stopped for a moment. He looked like Jett. He was a little surprised, because even though people said he looked like Jett, he'd never thought so. Jett was all handsome and slinky like a panther. He'd thought he was the ugly one, but as it turned out he looked exactly like Jett all along. Weird.
Xena was idly fingering his hair, almost as if she didn't realize she was doing it. She seemed preoccupied and he held respectfully silent. Not that she could hear him if he wasn't, probably, but you never could tell with Xena.
After a while she said, "What is wrong with you?"
It sounded like one of those questions that didn't require him to answer, so he didn't. It was a bad sign, though, because she only asked those questions when she was mad at him. With a sigh, he dropped into the other chair and waited for her to start berating him.
"Joxer," she said to his body, "I know you've been having a rough time lately, with the way things are between you and Gabrielle and all, but this... She's right, this isn't like you. I never thought you, of all people, would take the easy way out."
He swallowed the hard words he instinctively wanted to say. You just didn't talk like that to Xena, even if she couldn't hear you. "Maybe I'm wrong," she said. "Maybe I'm imagining things, but..." She fell silent again. "Stupid," she said finally. "Not the right kind of death for you at all."
She was using the delta-word. Gabby hadn't wanted to use it, and frankly he didn't want to use it, either. "Death". It seemed so ...final. Of course, if you were somebody like Xena or Gabrielle, somebody important, it wasn't really. Lots of people he knew had died and gotten over it, some of them several times -- Xena didn't even bother going to the trouble of putting together funeral offerings for Iolaus any more -- but you had to be a hero to get treatment like that from the other side (and it didn't hurt to have gods or people related to gods pulling strings for you, either). Someone like Xena could do it, someone like Gabby, but someone like him... "Stop that," he said aloud, irritated. "Stop trying to change my mind. I finally make up my mind to do something and everyone starts complaining and wanting me to change it."
He hadn't really thought of it as dying, he'd just thought of it of as being... not-with-his-body. That wasn't really the same thing. And if it wasn't the same thing as dying, it wasn't the same thing as running away. "I didn't do it on purpose," he said, a little louder than he'd wanted to. "I never do stuff like this on purpose, and you know it, but you were all mad anyway. I heard you yelling." He remembered that part now. He was remembering a lot of it. She'd yelled at him and told him he was an idiot. To be fair, though, she'd been yelling at everybody, the chariot driver, the little girl's mother, practically everybody except Gabrielle; but that didn't change the fact that she had been mad and yelled at him, and she'd picked him up and it had hurt a whole lot. So when he'd decided to stay there in the street and let her take his body away and get rid of it, he had actually been doing her a favor. "I was only trying to help," he said, but for some reason the words sounded weak and unconvincing.
Maybe she did hear him, because she bit her lip like she was getting mad at him again, and she leaned over the bed slightly. "Joxer, I will never forgive you if you do this to me. Do you hear me? Never."
Oh, well, that was just great. "What do you want from me?" he asked her. "I mean, really. You don't want me to go. You don't want me to stay." She didn't, because he was always annoying her and getting in the way. Yeah, she'd never said for him to take off and leave her alone, but she thought it real loud sometimes. And he couldn't count on Gabby to protect him any more because he seemed to have made her all mad at him, too, because he had been an idiot and told her things he shouldn't have and for months now she'd been looking at him funny all the time, and he'd just blown it, that was all.
"I never know what to do any more," he said. "I'm always saying the wrong thing, or doing the wrong thing, and the harder I try the worse it gets. And I know you put up with a lot, and it's nice of you. Well, kinda." "Nice" wasn't really the right word ever to use with Xena, but he couldn't ever really find the right words with her. "But it doesn't help, because everyone is still always laughing at me. I don't like it. And they laugh at you, too, 'cause you put up with me. I've heard them. Doesn't it bother you?" He studied her profile, her lovely face drawn and pale and looking almost... sad. "Well, it bothers me. I don't want them laughing at you. I don't want you hurt. That's what it's like when people act like that, it's like -- it's like boiling oil in your gut, it hurts all over and I hate it and I'd do anything to keep them from doing that to you."
He stopped for a minute and that nasty thing in the back of his head said: Liar. "Anything except go away," he said. She was so serene and beautiful and unapproachable, like a goddess. Miserably he asked, "That's what you wanted, wasn't it? You were finally going to tell me. I could tell. You were going to tell me to go away and leave you and Gabby and the baby alone, and I... See, now you don't have to. You don't have to tell me, and I don't have to listen to it, and... and it's all for the best. Right?" The question sounded unconvincing again. He cleared his throat and said again, as firmly as he could, "It is."
It was for the best. He was not running. They would not be upset, not after a little while, anyway, and... and he was not dead, darn it. He was just... not tied down any more, that was it. He would just kind of drift away, like smoke, and not be with his body, and not be with them.
Where he would be, and what or who he would be with, he had no idea.
Okay, he thought. I'll get up now, and leave. It's time, he thought. I'm getting up and leaving. I'm going now.
He remained sitting in the chair. This was silly. He started to get up but found himself sitting down again.
Here I go, he told himself again. It's the right thing to do. It's my decision and I made it. It makes perfect sense. Here I go.
He remained sitting.
It's for the best, he argued with himself. I figured it out. It's for the best and everyone will be happier and...
He got up out of the chair. No, he jumped up out of the chair and yelped so loud he was surprised no one heard him, but anyway he was up. But in kind of an undignified way, and why did Gabby have to go and sneak up on a guy like that? She moved around and sat in the chair, and he scrabbled quickly out of her way before it occurred to him that it might have been more interesting to stay in the chair and let her sit in his lap and see what happened.
Probably nothing, though, because her face was serious, not Gabby-serious, but unhappy and defeated serious. Not a common look on her, and not a good one. Not at all. Xena put a hand over Gabrielle's and said nothing.
Those silences again. Something really serious was happening, and he had no idea if it would be better to run or better to stay. He didn't want to interfere with their talking, and after all hadn't he wanted Xena to comfort Gabby in the first place? On the other hand, they knew he was in the room anyway (kind of) and if they didn't want to talk in front of him they'd go outside... Bits of himself started arguing with other bits, and it got so noisy in his head for a moment or two that he almost couldn't hear Gabrielle speak.
"Why does everything get so awful?" she said.
Another one of those no-answer questions. Xena remained silent.
Gabrielle said, "You know, sometimes lately I think that's all that happens, that ever happens. Awful things. It's like if you're happy some stupid god, somewhere, is going to break it up. Sometimes I just lie awake at night and think of all the awful things that might happen. You don't know what it's like."
I do, he thought. I know exactly what it's like. But Gabrielle? He'd never thought of her like that. She was always... so sure of herself. He moved closer, surprised and saddened.
"See, I always thought..." Gabrielle said and fell silent for a moment. "See, the thing is, Joxer wasn't. Isn't. Isn't like that, and I used to count on him to get me over it. Cause he would always think everything was going to be fine, y'know -- the sun shining, the birds singing, the whole bit -- and I figured the real truth lay between that and all the things I was fearing. It wouldn't be as bad as I thought, and certainly not as good as he thought." She smiled for a moment, a real smile and looked like herself again. Then the smile went away, and it stabbed him under the heart like a dagger to see it go. "See, but it just never occurred to me that there might come a time when... when he wouldn't be around any more to cheer me up like that." She turned her hand palm-up and took hold of Xena's, and they held each other tightly.
Joxer had a feeling he was going to cry, or scream, or something. "No," he said. "Don't you see? I did it to make you happy. Not sad."
"You never can tell with Joxer," Xena said. "He might surprise us."
"He always does, doesn't he?" Gabrielle smiled that small, lonely smile, and then she started crying again, and Xena pulled her against her shoulder and rocked her slightly.
Okay. That was it. He'd had enough. He couldn't think of her alone wondering about the future like that, not when he knew how awful such a thing could be. He couldn't bear her crying. He just couldn't take watching her like this any more. He had to... He made another decision. Firm and final.
He leaned over himself on the bed and studied his, Jett's, his face. Oh, that looked nasty. He bet that cheekbone was broken again, and it never had healed right the first time and always ached when it rained anyway... Focus! How was this going to work, anyway? Maybe there was a way in, like through the eyes or something -- didn't Gabby have lines in her poems about eyes being windows to the soul, or something? Not doors, but okay, maybe he could like wiggle in under the shutters or something... He took his face in his hands, the way Xena had done, quickly in order to avoid that pain that had threatened him before and
and nothing, because it didn't work because the pain came back in a big ball of flame and EXPLODED and
He was lying down. Okay. How did that happen? He tried to get up, and it didn't work because everything hurt all over. Must have been in a fight, how embarrassing, because that was usually what had happened just before he found himself lying down and hurting all over. He tried to get up again, and tried to remember. He probably couldn't manage both, but he could manage one.
This time it was the remembering.
The best he could manage was to force his eyes open for a few seconds and look to see if Gabby had stopped that darn crying yet. She had no idea how awful he felt now, and he'd only done it for her, so she had better appreciate it and she had better have stopped crying. Gabby was there, and Xena was there, and he was not there so there was probably only one of him again. Good thing too. Gabby was still leaning against Xena, and not looking at him, and he got annoyed. Pay attention to me, he thought as loudly as he could.
She could hear him when he did this sometimes and she heard him now, because she looked at him and her eyes widened in shock. In a voice that sounded like it belonged to someone else, he said, "I hope you're happy now." That made him tired and he went back to something like sleep for a long time, and didn't think about the future or much of anything. When he woke up again he was sore all over and pretty grumpy.
Everything wasn't as messy as it had been before. Somebody had swept, and there was a fire going. He wondered if it had worked and everyone was over being upset and all.
"You're a jackass," Gabrielle said. "A total jackass. What were you thinking?"
Yeah, she was definitely over it. And if she was all mad like this that meant there wasn't going to be any more of that delta-word talk. That meant he was all right, and she was all right, and if she was all right Xena would be all right too, so everything was... all right. He smiled at her with the half of his face that was on the other side from that cheekbone (he'd been right about that, too. Ow). "Oh, hi," he said innocently.
"Most men would at least have the grace to apologize for getting themselves run over like stupid idiots."
"I'm not most men." He wanted to wave a hand and shoo her off, but was too tired to do it. "I'm a different kind of man."
"The useless kind. Lying around all day and I have to do the wood and stuff, I don't think so. When are you going to get your lazy butt up and make yourself useful?"
The words were meaningless. The tone was meaningless. Nothing more than smoke that drifted away on the wind. You were worried, he thought happily, yes you were, I saw you. He'd have to let her have it for that someday. Not now. "When I feel like it."
"Just wait till Xena gets back from the apothecary, she'll tell you when you feel like it."
He bet she would, too. Everything was fine. He shifted himself around a little and went back to sleep, Gabrielle's words following him down and breaking up and drifting away. Smoke rings in the dark. That was all.
12/99