SENSITIVITY LEVEL: Zilch. Not even trying this time.
DISCLAIMER: Don't own them, don't profit from them, after this probably get slapped with a restraining order keeping me from so much as thinking about them.
RATING: Had to put in wussy substitutes for the cuss words in order to keep it to a bad-taste high PG/low R.
CONTINUITY WEENIE: Somewhere between "AA" and Chin, a great huge gap of undocumented time that is going to be a great catchall for things that can't be slotted any place else.
Dharma Bum mailto:dharmasbox@mail.com
Not sensitive at all. I really mean it
this time. I'm WARNING you.
Nebula, Queen of Sumeria and Scourge of the Aegean, looked across the table at half of that pathetic excuse for a welcoming committee Xena had provided, folded her arms across her chest, and snorted.
"I said Xena will be here in the morning," Gabrielle repeated with slightly less deference than she had used the first four times she had said it. "She asked for us to come on ahead and wait here with you. Specifically."
"So Xena can't be bothered to show up on time, but her flunkies can?"
Gabrielle took a deep enough breath to stop herself saying what she wanted to say, and said once again, "Xena is sorry she couldn't make it tonight and she'll be here in the morning." Nebula smiled nastily, and Gabrielle made a mental note to get Xena for this.
The din in the common-room was immense. Even the finest inns in port towns tended to be a little dirtier and a little sleazier than Gabrielle preferred, and this was far from one of the finest inns. As for the town itself, anything famous only for some half-whispered story about a donkey was hardly worth bothering with in the first place. Nebula's travelling companion, an Eire woman, was okay, and Xena would after all be along in the morning, which was tolerable -- but in the meantime the din, and the dirt, and the tall tales, and most of all Nebula herself, were not. Ruminating on this almost made Gabrielle lose her temper. "And I'm not a flunky."
"Of course, I remember now." Nebula grinned, which gave her an alarming resemblance to a happy wolf. "You're Iolaus' little friend."
"'Little friend'?" Gabrielle repeated in what she thought was a dangerous tone.
"Oh, yes, he told me all about you."
"Did he now?" Gabrielle's smile became rather fixed. She shifted her weight on the bench and unconsciously drummed her fingers on the tabletop.
"Yeah. Hey, where'd the studmuffin go?"
"'Studmuffin'?"
"The one you came in with."
"Do you speak any Greek at all?" Gabrielle asked.
"Do you?"
"Nebula, leave the poor lass alone." Morrigan returned to the table, carrying a platter of food. She set it on the table and sat down. "Hercules said she's just been dead and all, I'm sure she's in no mood f'r your silliness. Gabrielle, I must be apologizing for my friend."
"That's quite all right," Gabrielle lied. She rather liked Morrigan.
"So where is studmuffin, then?"
Or maybe not.
"What a darling lad. Is he not just the sweetest thing, Nebula? ...What's that noise?"
Gabrielle smiled. She clamped her jaws together so hard she felt like she was driving her molars into her skull, and she smiled. Not now, she thought. Please.
Nebula looked back over her shoulder curiously. "There's a fight going on back there." She watched it for a minute more, and pronounced a royal judgement. "Cool." She turned back to the food.
Gabrielle looked at the table.
Morrigan half-stood, looking in the direction of the commotion. "Isn't that y'r friend over there? He could be in trouble."
"He isn't in the trouble," Gabrielle said patiently, not looking up and continuing to smile. "He's just causing the trouble."
"What, that nice boy? I can't believe it. What's he doing?"
"Existing." At times like these Gabrielle felt this fact indicated a major fundamental flaw with the universe.
"Oh, there he is." Morrigan waved. "Over here, dear."
Gabrielle finally dared to look. Joxer was stepping carefully around the altercation, while staring at it in some fascination, and walked straight into a table. "Joxer," Gabrielle called, a little loudly, "over here. Now."
Hearing her voice seemed to clear his head somewhat. He made his way over without further incident. "I can't find Xena anywhere," he said.
Speaking slowly and clearly, Gabrielle said, "That's because she's not going to be here until tomorrow morning, remember?"
"Oh, well, that would explain it." Joxer sat down, satisfied that the mystery was solved, and pulled off a hunk of bread.
Bread and olives. Why Nebula couldn't travel in the style befitting her position, Gabrielle had no idea. When Xena had asked them to go on ahead and meet a queen, Gabrielle had imagined fine horses and luxurious tents and a retinue of cooks and hairdressers and servants. Instead the Queen of Sumeria was travelling, and dressing -- and, as it turned out, behaving --like an unemployed sailor. All they needed was to pick up some sleazy stray dog of a drinking companion, and the ambiance would be complete.
"Excuse me." A handsome man, dressed far too well for the environment, shouldered Gabrielle aside and sat down. "Your Highness! Fancy meeting you here again! Do you remember me?"
Nebula looked at the new arrival as if he was something unpleasant she had just found on the bottom of her shoe. "Vaguely. You're somebody who starts with an M."
"Menander. You remember, you let me buy you lunch this morning. What a coincidence finding you here. I was really hoping to run into you again. Why, I was just saying to my friend Timarchus here, you remember Timarchus-- " He pulled a small, silent blonde man into view from behind him, this apparently being Timarchus. "I said 'Timarchus,' I said, 'I'd really like to see the Queen again, and pay my respects, and perhaps ask her to join us for--'"
"Go away."
"Yes, your Highness." Bowing, both Menander and Timarchus backed into the crowd.
Morrigan cranked an eyebrow. "Y'let him buy you lunch?"
Nebula sniffed. "Royalty groupies. They were following me around all damn morning. I let them buy me food and then chased them off. Persistent little buggers. Now, where was I? Oh yes, blondie was going to explain why Xena isn't capable of keeping a simple appointment."
"She was held up a little," Gabrielle said.
"She can't travel fast 'cause she's pregnant," Joxer added helpfully.
Nebula looked interested at this. "Do tell."
"Yeah, she's like out to here already. And she doesn't even know who the father is, can you believe that? Who's kicking me? One night she and Gabrielle were going over this huge list of people who it might be and it took like hours, d'you remember, Gabrielle? And ow, whoever's doing that quit it. And..."
"Xena can explain everything," Gabrielle said rather loudly. "I'm sure she has a perfectly good reason for coming in the morning instead. All we have to do is wait for her to show up and..."
"Exactly how many people were on this list?" Nebula asked.
Joxer frowned and started counting on his fingers. "I like you," Nebula said, poking him in the chest and almost knocking him backwards off the bench. "You take orders well, don't you?" she said and grinned the wolf grin again. He eyed her closely.
Far too closely for Gabrielle's liking. She poked him in the ribs. "Leave that alone," she hissed under her breath, "you don't know where it's been."
Morrigan picked up an olive and studied it thoughtfully. "So, no Xena until the morning. F'r some reason I seem to remember Hercules saying we were to do something if we met you two by yourselves and Xena not around."
"Yes," said Nebula, "he said we should turn and run as fast as possible in the opposite direction."
"You know," said Gabrielle with a brittle smile, "I haven't spoken to Hercules in such a long time, I really should talk to him. Where did you say he is? ...Joxer, whatever you're thinking of doing, don't."
"I wasn't thinking," Joxer protested. In fact, he was not doing much of anything except watching Nebula.
"That goes without saying."
"Cranky tonight, aren't we, blondie?" Nebula said cheerfully.
"No," Gabrielle spat.
Menander came wavering back up, holding two tankards of ale. "Here, Your Highness," he said to Nebula. "I bought you a drink."
"Very nice." Nebula took both the drinks. "Now go away."
Defeated, Menander disappeared into the crowd again. Nebula kept one drink and shoved the other across to Morrigan. "Twenty-three," Joxer announced suddenly. "I think. Did you want gods counted?"
Morrigan laughed. "You are an odd lad. Are you a Pict?"
"Picked for what?"
"Picts are these wee pale blue people that live on an island. Strange folk. No... you're not one of them, I am mistaken. They're much darker than you are."
Nebula sipped at her drink. "Twenty-three," she mused, and her grin grew wider and distinctly unpleasant.
"Well," said Gabrielle brightly. "Well." She slapped her open hands upon the table. "It's been a nice night, I suppose we all should turn in now."
"Turn in?" Nebula laughed. "The night hasn't even started yet. Come on, I'll show you the town. There's this place here famous for this show they do with a donkey and-- "
"I don't think so." Gabrielle smiled politely. "I'll see you in the morning. When Xena will be here," she added for good measure. She stood up and started to leave, but a few steps from the table realized something was missing and stopped. "Joxer, come on."
Joxer was still sitting at the table. "Xena said we were supposed to stay with Nebula," he said, far too innocently. "We should do what Xena said."
Not that kind of stay and not that kind of with, Gabrielle thought, but all she did was smile and say, "Now."
Obediently Joxer started to get up, and Morrigan tugged at his arm.
"Oh, don't go, we are having such fun." He wavered, irresolute.
"No good," Nebula said to her in an undertone. "That boy is whipped."
"Do stay."
"I'm telling you."
Gabrielle put her hands on her hips and glared. "Joxer -- heel."
He followed her away.
"Whipped," Nebula confirmed. "Definitely."
"Oh, aye."
They both looked appraisingly across the room to where Gabrielle and Joxer had stopped to have a discussion, or perhaps more properly a chewing-out. Gabrielle was raving about something, and Joxer was watching her with a fascinated expression on his face. If he'd had a tail it would have been wagging.
"D'you think the lad needs rescuing, then?"
Nebula looked at Morrigan, the wolf grin showing. "It could be our good deed for the day."
She got up and sauntered over to them, Morrigan following. "Listen up," she said. "How about we compromise? He can come with us so Xena'll be happy, and you can stay here so you can be happy."
"It's got nothing to do with happy." Gabrielle made small shooing motions at Joxer, who wavered for a moment but finally backed off a few steps. "You don't want to do that. Trust me."
"Oh, it's okay," Morrigan said. "We won't hurt him."
"Much," added Nebula.
"It's not him I'm worried about, it's you."
Nebula snorted. "Making threats, blondie?"
"I'm just telling you the facts. I'm used to dealing with him. You're not. Things will happen to you."
"Oh, well then, come with us, lass," Morrigan said.
"Lots of things. Bad things. Weird things. Believe me, I've seen it happen. Your friends will turn on you, your boats will sink, your hair will get split ends."
"And he's going to do all this?"
"He doesn't have to do anything, he just has to be around. Please, I'm just trying to protect you. Xena said we were to make sure nothing happened to you."
Nebula considered. "This is really upsetting you, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"Then I'll do it." Grinning the wolf grin, she took Joxer's arm. "Come on. I'll take you to the donkey." She dragged him off towards the door, but not before he gave Gabrielle a wild and rather indecipherable look over his shoulder.
Morrigan took Gabrielle aside. "You're right t'try and stop her, lass. You'd best go after them, or she'll eat him alive."
"That's not the point," Gabrielle said quite firmly. "The point is Xena said we should wait with Nebula, and keep an eye on her, and if Joxer doesn't hold very still and stay very quiet, things ...happen. And Xena said specifically that we were to make sure nothing happened to Nebula."
Morrigan put her hands on her hips for a moment, and the expression that crossed her face reminded Gabrielle for some reason of Xena at her most insufferable. "Y'know, Hercules said that it was not Joxer at all, and certainly not you..."
"Well, thanks," Gabrielle said acidly.
"...but something about the combination of the two of you that makes it happen with the sinking ships and the splitting ends and all. So maybe you are right an' you should stay behind."
Gabrielle stood in the middle of the trap, and put Hercules right behind Xena on the list of people who were going to pay for this. No, on second thought, she'd move him to the top. "Nothing is going to happen if I go."
"O'course not."
"That would be why I'm going, to prevent anything from happening."
"So you are coming, then?"
"We're supposed to keep an eye out for Nebula."
"Surely." Morrigan slapped her good-naturedly on the shoulder, and the two of them started threading through the crowd after Nebula and Joxer.
"We're just waiting for Xena."
"Right."
"Nothing's going to happen until Xena gets here anyway."
"O'course."
There was a crashing noise from just outside in the street. Gabrielle squared her shoulders and marched resolutely ahead and ignored it.